What's Your Hob?

The following idiotic essay was inspired by absolutely nothing.

I never had a legitimate hobby, a leisure pursuit that I stuck with for any period of time. I exclude sports and games from this assertion, because I don’t consider those hobbies; I consider them sports and games. A real hobby to me is knitting, or coin collecting, or snake charming, or writing. When I asked my wife Joan if she had a hobby (you think I’d know, right?), she said “taking care of other people.” I told her that while that is surely true, it is not a hobby, but more like a noble calling. Please do not characterize a lifetime of noble, altruistic deeds as a hobby, for goodness sake.

According to the Encarta Dictionary, a hobby is an activity engaged in for pleasure and relaxation during spare time. Let us further examine, and possibly amplify, this definition . . . .

You may engage in activity by running around in circles, or bashing your head against a bridge abutment. Clearly these, particularly the latter, do not seem pleasurable or relaxing. Therefore, if you use your spare time for these activities, do not claim them as hobbies. In reply, you may say, “It sounds weird, but I really do derive pleasure by bashing my head against a bridge abutment, and it relaxes me like all get-out. Why can’t it be my hobby?”

A reasonable question, to which my answer is this: “You are a singular freak; your concept of pleasure and relaxation is that of a masochistic psycho.” Thus, I offer a clarifying clause to the definition of hobby: an activity engaged in for pleasure and relaxation, as judged by a reasonably sane person, during spare time.

This also rules out illegal activities such as breaking and entering, entering and breaking, and mugging elderly ladies. However, I applaud those worthless lifetime criminals who take up legitimate hobbies to pass the time between crime sprees; this is an encouraging trend.

What about exercise – jogging, weights, treadmill, yoga – hobby or no? Emphatically NO! A hobby should not involve the wearing of any special outfit, such as workout clothes, uniforms, superhero costumes. You should be able to engage in your chosen hobby wearing anything, including nothing. For example, you may knit away in your work clothes, pajamas, or birthday suit (be careful with that needle, though). So we now have a second clarification to the definition: an activity engaged in for pleasure and relaxation, as judged by a reasonably sane person, during spare time, not requiring any special clothing to be worn.

In response, some fellow may say that he routinely uses the treadmill at his health club after work, still clad in his Hickey-Freeman suit and Johnston & Murphy wing tips, claiming “That is my hobby, damn it, and you can’t tell me otherwise.” Wrong, Ace. Running the treadmill while still in your work clothes is high folly, not hobby, so please seek the help of a mental health professional immediately.

I permit one exception to the “no special outfit” rule, and that deals with footwear for outdoor hobbies like bird watching, photography, and hubcap stealing (oops, sorry, illegal activity). Such hobbyists may don comfortable and/or durable footwear, as long as the shoes are not specially designed for the activity (like golf shoes). Clarification # 3: an activity engaged in for pleasure and relaxation, as judged by a reasonably sane person, during spare time, not requiring any special clothing to be worn, except in the case of footwear for outdoor activities.

To qualify as a hobby, are you permitted to make money from the activity? An excellent question, if I may compliment myself. The answer is yes, but, the compensation earned must be an insignificant percentage of your total income. Let’s say you collect baseball cards, a hobby for sure – provides pleasure, done in spare time, no special outfit needed. Why deny its hobby status by picking up a few bucks here and there from some valuable cards you may have? But what is an insignificant percentage of total income? Hell if I know, but let’s say 10% or less, just so I can keep this essay going. Therefore, my final revision to the definition of hobby: an activity engaged in for pleasure and relaxation, as judged by a reasonably sane person, during spare time, not requiring any special clothing to be worn, except in the case of footwear for outdoor activities; compensation may be earned but must not exceed 10% of one’s total income.

My last nonsensical point concerns the word hobby itself. Why should serious, often difficult, generally rewarding activities be labeled with a word that sounds like baby talk? Asking “what’s your hobby” is like asking “what’s your jobby.” “You can tell me, can’t you, you wittle darling? What’s your hobby wobby, now, Sweetie?” My recommendation is to drop off the last two letters and call it a hob. Henceforth, all hobbies are hobs.

Many who are still with me are asking, “Why the hell are you so obsessed with the precise definition of hobby, correction, hob; why write an essay about this?”

My answer is, “It’s my hob and, by the way, it is my spare time and I am wearing nothing whatsoever, feeling mighty relaxed, and the pleasure scale is off the charts. I sure wish this hobby could become my jobby.”