Are You Okay?

We've all seen the commercials from Brinks Home Security, or whatever they're called now, where buffoonish would-be burglars in Unabomber sweatshirts bust in on one of the following terrified would-be victims:

The mother and daughter who've been kicking a ball around their backyard in broad daylight, while said oddly dressed perpetrator eyes them through the fence. They head inside for a break, followed by the dumb shit in the hood.

The teenager who sees her parents off for dinner and hops on the exercise bike, only to witness an idiot bust through the door looking more scared than her.

The mother expecting her daughter to get home, hears someone downstairs and discovers it's one of the aforementioned hooded and disheveled home invaders.

In each real world case, the alarm sounds and sends the real world perpetrator into an immediate retreat through the neighboring real world properties, knocking over every garbage can on the way. And then the phone rings, going something like this:

"Hell . . . hell . . . o," answers the client.

"Hello, this is Mark, your remarkably handsome Brinks Security representative, surrounded by equally beautiful reps helping other victims in make believe distress. Mrs. Martini, are you okay?"

"I, I think so. Someone tried to break in."

"Was he wearing a red hood?"

"Yes, I believe so."

"Good, that means he is from our commercial. I'm sending help . . . right away."

"Oh thank you. When do you get off your shift, Slugger? My husband is away, and I've just been traumatized. Care to make a house call, Security Boy?"

"Mam, I appreciate the offer, but I must remain at my post. Good night, mam."